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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report

that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she

explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've

stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and

even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said,

'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes

later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.

'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!

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Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house

together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts

her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The

94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come

up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses

'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is

sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her

sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I

never get that forgetful, knock on wood..' She then

yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as

I see who's at the door.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf

one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,

isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,

'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,

'So am I. Let's have a beer.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a

nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of

her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to

an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,

she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment

or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the

soup.'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over

the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and

adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to

meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the

other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know

we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't

think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I

can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. She

just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How

soon do you need to know?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car

phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice

urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news

that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,

'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both

could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising

along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,

but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger

seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could

have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection

and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The

woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light

had been red but was really concerned that she was losing

it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red

and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman

and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran

through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us

both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

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(I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, just like my Grandpa . . .

but without all the screaming coming from the passengers of

the car he was driving at the time!)